Confessions of a Buttrock Addict
We all have that guilty pleasure playlist we blast when no one’s around. Mine? A glorious, unapologetic buttrock rotation—think soaring vocals, chugging guitars, and lyrics about rebellion, heartache, or rocking so hard your soul might exit your body.
But there’s a catch: my wife despises it. She’d rather listen to nails on a chalkboard than endure another chorus of ”I Wanna Rock!” Yet, I can’t quit these anthems. They’re crack for my inner 15-year-old. So, in solidarity with fellow rebels (and to document my marital downfall), here are the 7 buttrock bangers I’ve played into oblivion.
1. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” – Def Leppard
Why It Slaps: The ultimate strip-club-on-Mars anthem. Joe Elliott’s raspy vocals + that unstoppable riff = shower-singing gold.
Wife’s Verdict: “This is what plays in hell’s waiting room.”
2. “Livin’ on a Prayer” – Bon Jovi
Why It Slaps: Even your grandma knows the chorus. That synth intro? Iconic. My car-karaoke rendition? A crime against humanity.
Wife’s Verdict: “No more ‘halfway there.’ Just stop.”
3. “More Than Words” – Extreme
Why It Slaps: The “I’m deep, bro” acoustic ballad. My high notes make our dog howl in solidarity.
Wife’s Verdict: “You’re banned from romance.”
4. “Here I Go Again” – Whitesnake
Why It Slaps: David Coverdale’s mane + that keyboard riff = strutting music. I air-drum like my life depends on it.
Wife’s Verdict: “You’re not a ‘lonely soul.’ You’re just loud.”
5. “Rock You Like a Hurricane” – Scorpions
Why It Slaps: The ultimate headbanging-while-microwaving song. That riff should be illegal.
Wife’s Verdict: “The only hurricane here is my regret.”
6. “Sweet Child O’ Mine” – Guns N’ Roses
Why It Slaps: Slash’s intro is holy. Axl’s screech? Legendary. My attempt? A human rights violation.
Wife’s Verdict: “You’re not Axl. Stop.”
7. “I Remember You” – Skid Row
Why It Slaps: A power ballad so cheesy it needs a lactose warning. Sebastian Bach’s vocals shatter glass—and so does my falsetto.
Wife’s Verdict: “I remember when I liked you.”
The Verdict: Love Me, Love My Buttrock
Yes, my wife hates these songs. Yes, she’s plotted to “lose” my aux cord. But buttrock isn’t just music—it’s a way of life. It’s about air-guitaring in sweatpants and confidence you’ll never have.
To fellow rebels: crank it up. Ignore the eye rolls. And to my wife? Love you, babe. But if you think I’m quitting, you’re livin’ on a prayer.
(Now excuse me while I play “November Rain” for the 401st time.)
What’s the buttrock anthem your family can’t stand? Share below—misery loves company! 🎸🔥
