New Delhi – In a move that has left theologians speechless and scientists scratching their heads, a confidential government directive proposes the formation of a high-level committee to officially “define, verify, and declare the nature of God.” This is the bombshell revelation from the tentatively titled ‘Supreme Theological & Ontological Mandate’ (STOM).
Yes, you read that correctly. Just when you thought bureaucracy had peaked with committees for urban planning, it seems its gaze has now turned heavenward, confirming that God will be declared by a panel of experts.
The ‘Divine’ Directive: A Bureaucratic Quest for God
Sources within a ministry, who wished to remain anonymous for obvious reasons, have shared that the initiative aims to “streamline spiritual discourse” and “provide a unified, empirically-vetted framework for the divine.” The goal, it appears, is to end millennia of religious debate not with prayer and scripture, but with a PowerPoint presentation and a finalised report.
Who’s on the Divine Committee?
The proposed panel is an eclectic mix, seemingly designed to solve the ultimate existential mystery through sheer brainpower. The shortlist for this momentous task is rumoured to include:
- A senior astrophysicist from ISRO, presumably to check if divine signals are hiding in cosmic microwave background radiation.
- A celebrated philosopher from a leading university, tasked with untangling ontological paradoxes.
- A globally renowned spiritual guru with millions of social media followers, to provide the ‘user-end’ perspective.
- A stoic, no-nonsense IAS officer to chair the meetings and ensure minutes are correctly recorded for divine posterity.
- And, in a nod to the 21st century, an AI ethicist, perhaps to determine if God is a simulation.
Peer-Reviewing the Almighty?
The panel’s terms of reference are as ambitious as they are baffling. They are expected to examine historical texts, analyse statistical data on prayer efficacy, conduct “metaphysical field studies,” and ultimately, publish a peer-reviewed paper. One can only imagine the debates. Will miracles be subject to double-blind trials? Will the concept of karma be modelled using blockchain? The very idea is staggering.
Nation Reacts: Memes, Outrage, and #ExpertKaBhagwan
The nation, known for its deep-seated faith, has reacted with a predictable cocktail of outrage, hilarity, and confusion. On Twitter, #ExpertKaBhagwan is already trending. Memes are flooding WhatsApp groups, depicting babus demanding a three-part form from Lord Shiva or subjecting the Holy Spirit to a cost-benefit analysis.
Satire aside, the proposal touches a raw nerve. Faith, for billions, is a personal conviction that exists far beyond the reach of bureaucratic rubber stamps. Can the immeasurable be measured? To even suggest that a committee can define the unknowable feels like the ultimate act of hubris.
Awaiting the Final Report on God
While official confirmation is awaited, the very notion has thrown up a profound question. In our relentless quest for data and expert validation, have we forgotten that some truths aren’t meant to be found in a report?
As we wait for the white smoke to rise from this committee room, one must wonder: if God is indeed declared by a panel of experts, will we need to file an RTI to find out His true name?
